From Shopping to Politics

I want to go shopping. Silly way to begin this, I know, but it is what I'm feeling. Forever and a day ago, I could take this urge, spend crap-tons of money on clothes I'd rarely wear, fulfil this selfish desire to look, and therefore feel better about myself. But now, I have major dilemmas when I get this urge:baby (oh,yeah, and no job). We have very little extra money at the end of the month, and what we do have we usually treat ourselves by going out to eat (or drink,heehee!). I miss this aspect of not working. Why can't I get paid?
Maybe I should become a politician to convince the people/government to financially support s.a.h.moms. We work so hard, never get a day off (at least, if you nurse), and are taking time away from any sort of career to raise the next generation. It is so cliche, I know, but why hasn't this become more of a political issue? Has anyone heard about any attempts to get baby bills passed for our income issues? Maybe I've been living in a news bubble, and some mom came into Congress and is making sweeping reforms for s.a.h.m. Maybe a mom, with baby nursing in sling, is stunning the nation with all her pro-mom, pro-income propaganda. Maybe, when I was sleeping, Bush realized that mom's really do get the shit end of the stick, that this is why so many families depend on public aide, and it's time to change the system. Where does that extra extra tax on our phone bill really go? To fund a war with no end? Why can't we fund this country's war with wages? I'm starting to feel political right now. Don't worry guys, it's probably just gas.
A teacher once told me that I should go into politics. She said that I had a fiery personality and a zest for anti-authority behavior (shocking, right?). But she told me exactly what happens to aspiring, radical politicians: they always sell out. Her example: (teacher)"you like that sweater you have on?" (me) "yes, I like it a lot." (t) how much do you want for it?" (m) "it's not really for sale." (t) "everything is for sale. I'll give you $5000 for it." (m) "really? ok, that's a lot of money for this sweater." (t) "that's what make's politicians fold, money." I was in third grade, and it was a bit dramatic, but it stuck with me to this day. I cave under pressures of financial security, and politics SHOULD be about strong beliefs and the capability to feel compassion and educate oneself about other's strong beliefs. I end after the first should, I just have strong beliefs. I have a hard time understanding the opposite views!
Anyway, enough ramblings for today. I don't have the time to be a politician and I don't have the money to start. So I'll just waste my time blogging for my own entertainment and benefit. That's feeling compassion for myself, right?

Fun with Pudding

Give a kid a cup of pudding and the world becomes much less serious... until the diaper change the next day!

Strange Folk

Yesterday, my mom and I set out on the all day adventure of a craft show. No, we weren't going to them, we were working one, the Strange Folk Festival to be exact. To tell you how big of a psychotic mommy I am, this was the longest day away from Syl. If you have forgotten the mommyspeak of months, she is almost 17 months old. That is almost a year and a half that I have never been away for Syl for more than a few hours. Yesterday, it was 9.5 hours. I deserve a medal.
Anywho, it was a long day. I had some familiar faces to see: my cousin's fam (word), the Butter's and their family (word to you all too), and others. But my booth was pretty busy the entire time. It turned to be a profitable day, so thank god for that. I sold more than I expected, and was just shy of my ideal/wouldn't it be awesome if I made this goal. Dave & Syl never made it out, though they would've had fun with the alpacas petting zoo.
Crafting is a world sub-world of the strange and entertaining. It was very family-oriented, mixed with the die-hard birdhouse makers. Interesting mix, to say the least. The next show I'm hoping to do is the Rock-n-Roll Craft show in December. It's at the mad art gallery in Soulard and is a really awesome craft show. Hopefully I'll get in, though I don't know if I can stand another full day on my feet, sans-baby.
This was another perfect example of how I'm not prepared to reenter the normal work force. I worked 9 hours at this thing at was beat! I ended up going to bed at 9:30, as opposed to my normal midnight sleep schedule. I forgot to mention I worked this entire craft show hungover. That's not important though!

Don't Wake Up (me or the baby)

today i feel like i am living in a dream world. yes, i have felt this way before. the blurry eyed hours of nursing in the dark, with only the sounds of scattered thoughts to occupy my boredom. the days, weeks, months, of having hormonal imbalances, no sleep, and the responsibility of a human being dangling (figuratively) in my arms. but tonite, as i rocked syl into slumber, that dream-like thought came back to me. it's not only these things that have kept me feeling dreamy. it's the seperation of body to reality. i am living in this alterna-reality here. my job is my daughter, the paycheck is in kisses, hugs, clinginess, and eternal reward for raising a potentially politically hell-raising creature. i am my own boss, an idea i've always believed regardless. my days have little schedule, are full of mini-events evolving around the wee-one. i can take a nap after lunch (hasn't happened in many,many months). this is not my own, but it is the now.

the dream began when my pre-baby days were thrust into the fire, leaving me in a whirl of haze, smoke, and spit-up. friends shifted, priorities altered, and thus, the dream began. maybe i shouldn't refer to this as a dream, because it is my reality. my everyday, i can't help wonder how long this will last? by this, i mean the dreamy feeling, not the motherhoodness, that's here to stay! i keep dreading the moment when i walk syl to school (yes, in this dream i live close enough to a decent school that we walk there), shove her into the educational meat-grinder, and get forced to enter back into the "real" world. where someone is boss over me, i have to begin to set my alarm again, and the government milks my paycheck for all i'm worth.

i've been lucky enough to stay home with syl for this entire 16.5 months (see early blog on month counting). and trust me, there are days when i wonder why i had to be so goddamn hard-headed about not introducing the bottle (mama was her bottle, binky, and security blanket, i guess that's why you never lose that baby-weight!). i get frustrated, lose my temper, scream into the pillow, ect... i am just publicly stating that i'm not ready. i'm still learning how to mother, how to wife, and how to piece myself back together after those huge chunks of me are removed. i hope my dream is in the middle now, past the exhilarating beginning, but far from the lonely end. cuz i know i'll miss these days when it's her and me against the world, and all we're armed with is her silly circus tiger and a spare cloth diaper (ya know, to smother "the man" with).

I'm Scared

My toddler is entering a very scary stage right now. I like to call it the "discovering of the miscommunication meltdown" phase. As those of you with older children have already learned, this phase, thus far, has developed the inner workings of the "fit" rituals, followed by the "excessive whining because you can't understand what I'm trying to say" battles. Don't ask why everything is in quotes today, it's just how it goes right now!

I know, my toddler is only 16 months old, how could she be entering this stage already (you may be wondering)? Well, she is extremely advanced (haha, every parent thinks that). She can count to 10, speak 3 word sentences, tell you what sounds about 15 animals make, and read pictures from books. I know, most of this is from repetition, but still...advanced! So bring me back to this new phase. She knows what she wants, and she wants you to understand what she is thinking. Wow, am I talking about a teenager here? I try to remain calm through the confusion, grabbing at what I think she's talking about, or saying yes often. Then the meltdown begins. I've seen a fit before, this isn't quite there yet. But I can tell what's brewing ahead. If she is driven to this point, which has only happened a few times, she throws herself on the floor, puts her face down, and lets out a cry. It's short, because she usually forgets why she was so upset. But hey, I know what's next.

I can see it now... we calmly perusing the aisles of Trader Joe's on a Tuesday afternoon. The only customers are the fellow s.a.h.mommies, babies, and an occasional grandma. We pass the fruit section, Syl sees the bananas. "Ok, we need bananas anyway, let's grab them," we carry on. Next, we stroll the frozen section. No trouble there. Aha! We hit the "every treat you can imagine in a bag" aisle...Syl goes balistic! She begins grabbing at the bags, feverishly tossing them in the air, tearing them open with her teeth...screaming more! more! at the top of her lungs. I rush around trying to clean the debris and avoid the wrath of the tantruming child. But oh, no! She spots the dried fruit. Here we go again! I tell her we don't need any dried fruit, but she can't hear me over her screaming. She must have it, NOW! I grab my child, my face beet red, dart out of the store, leaving my cart, and the tornado, behind.
I never step foot in T.J's again (insert sad music here).

I've seen this exact seen in Schnux many times (a bit less dramatic, but similar). I thought, pre-baby, why does she let her child act that way? But now I'm a mom, I have to prevent this from happening. I have to endure the judgements.

Really, it's not bad yet. But I'm scared of this. I know I have the upperhand in the disciplining of my child (figurative, not literally), but toddlers have very stubborn and demanding behaviors sometimes. I can also tell that Syl has already inherited my bossiness too. She points and babbles in a demanding tone (I have to watch myself!).

To conclude from this rant, I can't wait to experience this dimension. I can only learn about myself, and only improve on my parenting skills. Otherwise, see you at my funeral!!

Strange Folk Festival

I have a booth here, come and check it out! Yea!

The sleep saga continues...

Sleep is a huge issue with parents. Yes, newborns sleep a lot, but mainly during the day, not in the peaceful nighttime slumbers as we would wish. Next, the few month old figures out day from night. Ahhh, sweet sleeping bliss, right? Wrong! Nursing babies just want to eat eat eat. Sylvie didn't sleep all the way through the night (I'm talking 11 hours here) until she was 10 months old. That's almost a full year of us (me) getting up a few times a night. And not just for a quick nibble. No! She wanted to take her sweet old time. And though we nursed in bed, I could never be comfy enough to fall back asleep while nursing. So I'd sit in the dark, wondering why I was so die-hard about nursing, and why I couldn't be the lucky mom who's baby slept soundly earlier.

So that leads me to the now. Sylvie is 16 months old now. She sleeps 10-12 hours a night, and takes 2 hour and a half naps a day. It's almost like she decided she needed to catch up on those 10 months of our sleeping hell and over sleep now. Now, I'm not complaining about the turn of events. I'm trying to give Justin and Heather a glimpse of what will be someday. But I'm also about to bitch, which I do well. She has become incredibly difficult to get to sleep. At her nap this morning, I was telling (ok, almost yelling) Syl to lay down and go nitenite. I had rocked her in her chair (she's to big to walk anymore) and she had fully fallen asleep. When I transfered her to her crib...pop! She's wide awake, talking and yammering on. This is one of those things that damn "what to expect" book never mentions. How do you convince a toddler that she is tired, she needs to lay down and close her eyes, and we'll read that damn book later!

I had to leave her in her room, desperately crying for me. The thing she doesn't see is me, outside her room, crying too. Why is this getting so difficult? People always tell us to keep her up later at night, so she will fall asleep faster. Ha! She knocks out, sure, but she'll then wake up super early in the morning. Like the time we kept her up till 9 (she's normally asleep at 8) and she awoke at 5:45, ready to party! Ah hell, I'll take it over up 4 times a night.

Ok, another complaint is my sleep. I can't do it. I tried to fall asleep at 10:30 last night. First, I wanted to check my email (for the 3rd time). Suddenly, an hour had passed and I'm really into the Britney Spears MTV saga, for some stupid reason. 11:30, get in bed...oh! But I need to turn the monitor on, and the 2 piles of laundry never got folded. Ok now, midnight, I'm ready. But my mind races about all the tasks I need to do tomorrow...all of a sudden, it's 1 am. I'm finally starting to unwind. Boom, it's 6:30 and Syl is talking in her crib. We let her chat to her creatures until she starts babbling about poopoo, time to get up. I got about 5 hours of sleep. Damn! The roles have reversed. I'm the new baby, and Syl is a professional sleeper. If only she could give me some helpful hints on how to fall asleep...