New Lease

So I've decided to make some positive changes in my newly unpregnant days (well, day). I'm not going to accept the job I was so thrilled about last week. I'm going to blame it on the m/c, though I really think it was an ideal job for my situation a week ago. Now, I believe I need to focus on the career that I got my diploma for, photography. Ironically, I got offered an interview last week for a pretty ideal situation, few weekday hours, and occassional weekend nites doing weddings and celebrations. But alas, as my situation was at the time, it wouldn't have worked out. Now, with my Great Empty Sac, I can venture into new avenues of life. Why not pursue crafting, or freelancing, or whateverthefuck I want? Being pregnant for a few weeks gave me 1 powerful item: a weaned toddler. Dave can successfully put her to sleep, providing moi with hours of alone time to work or play, depends on the mood (last night was definetly play, thank you friends).
So, if anyone has any suggestions, or cool job openings, I'll listen and explore. I now have the time, mixed with some hormonal drive, to try something new. Carry on...

The Great Empty Sac

Well, I was able to get in for my u/s this afternoon. As you may have noticed, the pregnancy ticker has been removed, due to the fact that there is no baby. Yes, I've miscarried again. I'm sad, but I'll be ok. I hadn't gotten too attached thinking this may happen. Hopefully it'll pass on it's own and no medical procedures will need to be performed. That'll make me super pissed! I don't know why this keeps happening, especially due to the fact that I sustained a healthy pregnancy with Syl. But looking at her, I am reminded of the truth: though no baby in our near future, we have a lovely daughter right now.

To try and remain positive, I am going to list that good things about not being pregnant (typical JJ list here):
~oh alcohol, I've missed you these past few weeks, and I'll see you soon
~I only gained 1 lb. wow, that'll be a breeze to take that pregnancy weight off
~we successfully weaned Sylvia as a means of early preparation, so boob-free for longer!
~our house is pretty much suited perfectly for a family of 3
~wearing all the clothes I bought off season to wear this winter
~not getting fat (though it is worth it)
~coffee
~soft cheeses
~the occassional cigarette (see positive note number 1)
~Syl gets all the spoiled, undivided attention
~zero sleep deprivation

Dave said once that it is a difficult journey to make it into this world. I thought he was bullshitting before, but it seems clear now. It can be hard for some little creatures to make it from twinkle in the eye to sleeping in your arms. The timing wasn't right, it all works out for a reason, and when it's right, it'll be good. So don't worry about me, I'll cry for a day and then be fine. Syl doesn't know the difference, so that's one less person I have to explain to!
No need for phone calls, unless you want to get a drink with me!

I hate insurance companies

Ok, it's a bit of a dramatic title, but everyone agrees with me, I'm sure! I went to my first obgyn appointment this morning. At the last minute, I decided to go my myself, since it's right when Syl wakes up and I believe it may be physically impossible to get out of the house that quickly. Anywho, when scheduling, I was told I'd have the viability ultrasound (u/s), especially due to my first m/c a few years back. This would also determine the due date (final date of destination, so to speak). My doc is on maternity leave, so cute. So I met with Mrs. Butter's doc, Dr. Brian. What a sweetie! I thought I'd hate male obs, but he was so kind and nice. I called Dave and told him I was considering switching, but he reaasured me that I love my ob, plus she came in on her weekend off to deliver Syl, so major props to her. Anyway, before he could even get in the door, the nurse informed me that with our new insurance, Aetna (greedy bastards), doesn't cover u/s through my office. I have to make an appt at a major hospital. Apparently, they are the only company that prepays for u/s at the beginning of the year, then they avoid being billed for them. Bullshit. Now I have to wait for the apt, which is being scheduled as we speak. He said was uterus was expanding in the normal fashion and everything seemed fine. I would have missed 2 periods by now, so thats a good sign. But I left feeling totally ripped off. I've been so reserved about getting excited for this pregnancy because I wanted to wait for this appt, now it's another waiting game. Hopefully, all is well and will go smooth. But I'm still resisiting the "comfy pants" purchases until a definite confirmation. It's hard to get too attached when the possibility of loss is there, ya know?
So, no news yet. Steady pace for now, but anticipating a heavy dose of crafting-mania quickly approaching. South City Slings made it into the Rock n Roll Craft Show, so I have about 5 weeks to produce some merch. Oh, and Rachel & I are at the Tower Grove Farmer's Market this weekend for the final extravaganza. We will be selling baby slings (ring and asian), baby knit hats, onesies, and awesome hand-made fall/winter clothes (Rachel is a great seamstress). So get your asses out and come buy our crap!!! I've got 1.5 mouths to feed!

Pumpkin Time!

In honor of the beautiful fall weather, we went to the pumpkin/apple orchard of Eckerts in Belleville. It turned out much warmer and brighter than I expected, of course I lost my sunglasses this past week. 2.5 hours in, I had a squinting headache and was exhausted from so much direct wind and sun exposure. This baby in my belly had better be cute for the chaos it is bringing upon it's defenseless mother!

Anyways, we met my mom and my nephew, Aydin, age almost 5. He was pretty grumpy, for unknown reasons, but we managed to get a smile or 2 outta him. I realized that it is such a forced tradition, especially when the church up the street from us had super cheap pumpkins for sale. Why drive 45 minutes when you can plop your baby in front of the neighborhood imports? Next time, I tell ya...

I paid $1.50 for a miniature pumpkin that Syl had a death-grip on. Overpriced! Plus, all I could eat were fries (which sounds like a plus, but a hungry & pregnant vegetarian needs more). I ended up eating half of Sylvie's lunch, she was into the fries (bad mama).

I don't know if she'll remember the chaos that was a fall Saturday at Eckert's, but the memory will be engrained in my brain. She was totally entertained by the giant sandbox and played in it, in the same spot, for over 45 minutes. So here are a few pics, notice the avoiding of the camera to photographer mom. And she's trying to give the pumpkin a hug in the one photo. She uses her head, not her arms. Still super cute!

Look at me, I'm boob-free!

I'm sick, tired, and tired of being sick and tired. I don't understand how one can be nauseous and famished simultaneously, but I'm it. All day, all the time. I think I've gained the required 35 lbs this week. At least Syl abandoned her brief sleep protest and is already in bed (it's 7:30 pm).
On to more exciting news...she's weaned! Oh my god, I can't believe it. 4 nights of tit-freedom. Yeah yeah yeah!!! All I keep thinking about is how I won't have something sucking on my boob for the next 7 months! Hell, yeah, it's the little things in life, ya know?! I thought it'd be traumatic, dramatic, and impossible. But alas, it was calm and relatively easy. We've been building up to it for awhile, nursing less and less each night. But it's safe to say we are boob-free. Hooray! 18 months was a good, long stretch. Now for a miserable pregnancy...
I should be crafting, I should be rearranging our new fridge, doing laundry, or cleaning. But all I envision is finishing this blog and plopping chubby butt in front of the tube. So this is a short entry.
By the way, Sylvia is onto me being a photographer and refuses to look at me when I have my camera out. I know she has a beautiful profile, but you can see here that the protest continues. Until next time...

Joby Job

Yeah! I totally got the job at Cotton Babies! I'm really thrilled because somehow, my mom convinced us to purchase all new appliances and we are broke as a joke. Now, I'll gain a bit of freedom, financially and emotionally. Plus, it involves hands-on work with moms interested in the joyful pleasures of natural parenting, cloth diapers, slinging, toys NOT made in China, ect...
Hopefully this will allow me to reenter to workforce in a positive enironment. I usually enjoy working for small businesses, especially mommy-owned and operated. Wish me luck.

So damn tired

The job interview went very well. I think I wowed them with my charm and amazing friendliness. I started the interview out with this blanket statement, "this is the first interview I've had done in over 4 years." Their reply? "Thank goodness, we rarely do interviews too!" Phew, really won out on that tip! The hours would be ideal for our family schedule, and I could bring pinto bean #2 with me till out of the sling. Plus, I get to turn mommies on to the fantabulous world of breastfeeding, slinging, and cloth diapering, all of which I'm a die-hard fan of. I'll keep my hopes resonable, but it boosted my self-confidence, which is a win-win anyday.

Oh, pregnancy, why have you encompassed my days? You make me so tired, I have to use cartoons to entertain lil Syl so I may doze off. Ok, I only do it for about 30 minutes total per day, but mom guilt here. I don't remember being this completely exhausted with Syl. I was working 40+ hours a work, rehabbing our 2 family into a 1 family, and diong all the other preparations that come with babymaking. Now, I am busy chasing a 17 month old around, but I am beat by noon. And by her 2:00 nap, I can barely keep my eyes open. I hope this doesn't last the whole time.

I do have new photos, but like all digital camera users, they are still in the camera. Next time, I promise.

An unambiguous announcement

Ok, so this is a totally generic way of announcing this to any and all who know me, but I'm just going to say it and get it over with...we are expecting #2. I was trying my hardest to not tell all until the for sure appt., but that never works. I'm so tired, people keep wanting to get drinks with me, and it's hard to hide nauseau and extreme fatigue. So the cat is outta the bag, and the news will hopefully travel faster than my loud mouth. We are excited and nervous, my babies will only be 2 years apart. But life is always a crazy adventure, right? We had wanted to wait for the u/s appt. to tell due to the loss of my first pregnancy. But I would need people's support either way, so what the hell.
So to all who've wanted a drink, I'm sorry I've lied. But it was for the good of the wee fetus!!


On another tip, I have a job interview this week at Cotton Babies, our handy-dandy cloth diaper supplier here in the Lou. I can't tell if I'm about to run myself ragged, or being wise to earn some much needed money. We're yet to see the conclusion of that one...

So, back to the whole baby thing, my cousin and I will have babies about 5 weeks apart. I am thrilled to share a pregnancy with someone so close. I hope I can prove to be an aficionado of the pregnancy/baby encounter, and not totally scare her to death with the harsh facts. So, since I haven't listed in a while, let's recap from preggers #1 a brief history of unpleasant health encounters:
~crazy hair growth, which seems nice now, just wait till it all falls out (3 months post-partum)
~crazy, untamable heartburn (only to be cured with a prescription in my case)
~the strangest phenomenon of a human moving inside you
~the joys of a moving, active human only at your bedtime
~peeing every 10 minutes
~nausea from the all-important pre-natals (already got that one going)
~the horrifying birth stories everyone wants you to know
~your own birth story (ouch!)
~the back pain only a joyous chiropractor can fix
~incredibly debilatating headaches (which you can take nothing for)
~blood work

That's enough for now. My first pregnancy was actually pretty smooth, though I suffered from all of those symptoms. Guess it comes with the baby-making territory.

So wish me luck as I embark on the club that will be the second mamas club. I'm already feeling a sense of overambition by wanting to make new baby's sheets, blankets, mobile, and curtains for a room that hasn't even touch renovations yet! Crazy? Indeed.

Ramble on

today, we took a bike ride around the park and to the playground. i ran into another mom from my mommy & baby yoga class i took when syl was a wee one. she is also still nursing and her son co-sleeps and wakes at least 3 times a night to nurse. she copes with it, but wow to her! i thought syl took forever to sleep through the nite (10 months almost). but this lil guy is almost 2! she's training to be a l.l.l. leader in our neighborhood chapter. i never attended a meeting, though i probably should have (it's 3 blocks from my house). it was always at syl's naptime and i guess i was a bit intimidated. maybe next baby.

so i guess i could relish in the notion that syl is almost totally weaned. she nurses for about 5 minutes right before bed, and that's it. i'm really proud that we lasted this long, though it's a sad ending too. she was my first born, my lovely daughter who was a my boob every minute she could be. number 2 will be stuck in a sling while i chase number 1 around! no laying in bed all day, sleeping together and relaxing on the couch, boppy around by belly to support syl's lil body, tv on so i can gather some sort of adult infotainment. now it's all about chasing, coaxing, and attempting to communicate. everyday is a new adventure!

now, syl's interests aren't in my shirt, but up at the sky. she is always looking for the moon, squealing when we go out early enough to catch a glimpse. or when she hears, then sees a helicopter or airplane. she also loves the zoo, especially the puffins and peguins (though she won't let me put her down when we're there). she even stole a penguin souvenier without me knowing! and her beloved baby bunnies, that luckily run rampant in our neighborhood. after dinner, everynight, we have to walk the neighborhood searching for them. when we don't find any, we have to tell her they went nite nite or she gets upset! she is a girl that truly knows what she wants in life!

i guess this is a ramble blog, for its early and the day has just begun. no new photos, no new news.

The Great Mom Debate (1 of many)

So I started this earlier tonite with the intention of, once again, bitching about naps. But it's become redundant, in my mind on in this blog. So I've decided to obsess about other matters on my mind, friends.


I can't get away from the drama of the mom versus non-mom. I was a non once, we all were. I'm sure I snubbed my mom friends with and without realizing it. I wasn't there for them as much as needed, and for that, here is my mass apology. But anywho, I was shocked at the overnite turn that occurred the day I pushed that enormous baby outta me. The new-mom magic stick poofed my old, non-mom friends right into reality, leaving me lonely in the endless sea of emotional waves (i.e. post-partum). I predicted it may happen, but I really didn't expect it to this degree. I still can't get over the phone calls that disappeared, the assistance that was promised and gone, or the mere lack of support that my pregnant-filled glow had bestowed me. I guess I had higher expectations, or maybe demanding expectations, but I can't let it go.

This gets brought up mainly cuz I found out my cuz, CC, is preggers (yea and congrats!!). She lives across the river, but her family is far north. I feel her concerns, my fam doesn't live here either. So I truly was relying on the support of my friends. After those first blurry days post-birth, I was overwhelmed with visitors. But when they vanished, they literally vanished. One friend, whom I've known for 10 years, still never calls me. I don't need much (ok, I need a lot), an occassional phone call, a brief email, shit, write a blog and it's like we're b.f.f. But nada, zilch, nothing. So I've done the only thing I can do in this situation: I've given up. Fuck it, ya know?

I've discovered a new network of reliable, dependable, engaging, and interesting friends. Yes, most are moms, but so what?! I'm a mom, I suppose!! You surround yourself with those whom you can relate to, or those who are so unrelatable it's hilarious. Sure, I have those steady old friends whom I love and cherish. They know who they are and I respect them for not undulating in the tidal wave of my hormonal shifts. And I think I deserve, at nearly 30, to surround myself with those that can laugh, enjoy, bitch, and embrace all my attributes. I know I'm not perfect, I know I fuck things up, too. I'm bossy, chatty, obnoxious, and loud, but I'm also a good friend, funny, reliable, bitterly sarcastic, and a fun mom.

So here's a reminder to youy non-moms with mommy friends: you are still needed, so much has changed, but you can be a part of that, and the phone works both ways (amazing, isn't it?). Life stops when you push (or have cut) that baby outta you, but there's always space for mom's old life, it just may stink like poopy diapers now.

Again, congrats to Court & Corey on their expectation. You'll truly enjoy this blog once you have that bundle sucking the life outta you (don't worry, it gets replenished quickly with all that love!!).