Realization

Just realized today was my due date for my 3rd pregnancy lost last year. And I'm 10 weeks today. How am I spending it? Reading really depressing blogs about stillborns. A little dark, don't you think. Maybe I should focus on the positive from here on out and read blogs about crafting, or puppies, or balloons. Something cheery.

Grow baby, grow!

Break

Things are leveling out, for the time being. Thanks to suggestions, I've switched pre-natals to Target brand and have stopped throwing up daily. I later learned they aren't vegetarian, but all is ok in the world. If the animal gods get angry with me over this one, I'll be all "fu%k off, ya know? i was publicly vomiting and it wasn't cool." They'll forgive me. Besides, I have eaten meat in like 17 years, minus the past few years of eating seafood maybe twice a month.

I think I'm going to take a bit of a blogging break. I find myself wanting to read things more than I'm interested in writing about my personals. The family is taking a mini-trip next weekend, staying in Metamora, Iowa City, Chicago, and Springfield. It's our tour-de-midwest, so to speak. So I'll post when we return. Maybe I'll have some fun photos and clever stories to entertain.

Pre-Natal Meltdown

Hey mamas, have any suggestions for good pre-natals? The Trader Joe's brand that I took throughout my previous pregnancy is now making me puke. Like today, in the park, at the playground with Sylvia. Yuck.

Stitch n Bitch

I met with my oldest friend tonite for some catching up and a sewing extravaganza. She agreed to make, from scratch, a casual wedding dress for our very pregnant friend who, though has technically been married for a year now, will have her wedding ceremony next weekend. The family is making our first big road trip and somehow, despite the high gas prices, we've managed to make arrangements to stay in empty, furnished apartments and relatives houses for the entire trip. 2 of those nights will be in downtown Chicago, where hotels are like $300 a night! Whew, lucked out on that one. Though our trip is solely a midwestern loop, I think we've planned it to make it rather enjoyable for all. We are first going to Peoria to stay with my aunt, then to Iowa City for the wedding, then the Chicago for fun at a chilly beach and Shed's Aquarium, then to Springfield to visit my family. It'll be short and sweet, with no length in the car exceeding 3.5 hours, which will help with a busy 2 year old. Now it's time to sleep, Sylvia was up from 1-3:30 last night, screaming her heart out. Let's just say I'm damn tired.

Energy Level=2, Emotional Level=9

So I almost started bawling today on the first walk I've taken in weeks. It was a gorgeous day, and I decided to get my ever-expanding butt to the park. We went for a bike ride yesterday, so I'm slowly building my energy levels back up. But amidst it all, I got really emotional. It totally just struck me, out of the blue, and with no prompting. All of sudden I found myself totally holding back tears, trying not to explode. I guess sometimes it hits me how things change so quickly, friends enter and exit your life, seasons rapidly switch, and motherhood triggers the greatest rearrangement of your entire life. Can you tell that I'm pregnant?

I'm the type of person who really appreciates closure, and I have a few people in my life who chose to not only abrublty disappear without any warning, but do so with no reasons or explanations. When an old friend moved away without really saying good-bye (though I knew he was leaving) I had dreams about him for over a year. Finally, he returned for a visit and I hung out with him. To me, that was the closure. I stopped thinking about our friendship and the rocky ending it had and felt the finale of it all. People can grow apart, I get that. It's just the total abandonment that I've been feeling lately for a few people in my life. It really makes me feel unappreciated and easily disposed of, which no one likes to feel. Especially at the beginning of an emotional journey, like pregnancy, when friends are needed the most. I guess I'm hurt, confused, and downright pissed.

Maybe this is my vent to getting over it. We don't need people in our lives that don't appreciate, care enough, or can't even muster a phone call every now and again. Right? I, like every other human on earth, want people in my life that care enough to be a good friend. I guess I've come to the conclusion that I just don't have many of those right now (I know, cry me a river, right?).

I felt a huge shift in friendships when I pushed that huge human from my loins 2 years ago. I felt like my life came to a crashing halt, while others continued on smoothly. It took many many months of searching until I realized that my old self would never return, and I needed to relearn my personal identity. It was a daunting challenge, but I finally got comfortable within my new role of mother. And here I go again, trying to accept becoming a mother to a new human while maintaining the life I've already built.

All this while walking Syl around the park and trying not to get pushed over by hurricanish winds.

Nighttime Stalker

Sylvia has a joyful new habit. It's called-"I figured out how to get out of bed and it's fun to do all night long". 2 nights ago, I found her creepily standing next to Dave's side of the bed, probably realizing he's the sucker of us 2. Last night, I found her playing in the hallway. Twice. Who knows how long she had been up, because she is sneaky and quiet about it. I'm tempted to set up the crib again, but I realize that is a step backwards. The thing is, she has been a pretty good big bed sleeper, calling for us while staying in her bed. I'm tempted to put a childproof lock on her bedroom door, but I'm afraid she'll just hang out in her room and end up sleeping on her floor. Which I guess isn't the end of the world. She also wakes up tired and cranky. Oh joy! It's not like I have any sort of energy to be even dealing with a 2 year old, nevertheless a super cranky, under-slept one. Have any of you mommies gone through this? I need some help/advice. Advice or a vacation, whichever.

8 week Appt.

Had my first real ob/gyn appt today with the ol doc who delivered Sylvia. And by old, I mean my age, or younger, and by doc, I mean she makes like $300k and I don't. Anyway, as I waited pantsless in the room, she arrived with a nurse practitioner in training. They were surprised to see me pantsless because we were off for an ultrasound. I just had one last week, so I kinda though that was it until the biggie. So I quickly dressed and followed the leaders. A surprise treat! Another reassuring u/s. Again, I saw the flickering heart. Baby appeared a teensy bigger, but I could be delusional. Dave later reminded me that our new insurance doesn't cover dr. office u/s, so this may have been a rather expensive photo op of the wee one. Hooray!

We talked a lot and got some things straightened out. Including this never ending illness that has been plaguing me for weeks. Oh yea, she assured me it was probably a sinus infection confounded by a million with pregnancy symptoms. Great. And she reminded me that I may have another 4-6 weeks till I get my energy back. Thanks! I was up 3 lbs, but it's probably because the everyday puking fest has subsided and my body is actually hungry now. Though I still can't taste what I am eating, it surely hasn't stopped me from eating. Since this (crossed fingers for health and happiness) will be my final child, I'm not going to get caught up in the weight/baby issue. I will try to retain a healthy body image and my mantra shall be "you will wear that dress again someday." And maybe "these boobs may never be your own again." Those are some realistic mantras.

Pre-Mother's Day

Still sick here, though slowly recovering. I really can't wait to have like an ounce of energy. Ya know, maybe to take a walk with my kid on the 1 non-rainy day? And now it's raining again, as will probably all week. But who's complaining, at least I can almost breath without hacking my lungs out.
Today Dave finally compiled all the video of Sylvia onto 2 dvds for our viewing pleasure. We watched about 30 minutes of one show. Sylvia was pretty bored watching the Sylvia of a year ago, but we were quite amused. I wish we had it from the beginning, but alas, we were too poor. We got the camera when she was a minute over 14 months, cuz she could walk. Her voice is so high pitched a cute, I can't take it. She picked up her nursery rhyme book to start singing 'bah bah black sheep' and it was freaking adorable. Plus, her hair was a lot shorter, she was shorter and pudgier, all around a totally cute package (as she remains to this day). It really shows how much they change and how time can fly right on by.
I'm also recently reminded of time when I think back to my pregnancy with Sylvia. I never napped, I was working 40-50 hours a week, and puked about 3 times total. I've passed that number, I take a daily nap with Syl, and I'm addicted to beans (hated them first time around). It's only the beginning, so we'll see where things go from here. Maybe I'll actually take some belly shots this time. We'll see about that one.
Happy Mother's Day to all you pretty mamas out there. I'd raise my glass with you but alas, I will be frowned upon.

Coming out of the dark...

Finally, finally, finally starting to feel the incline towards a healthy recovery. I've been sick for over a week, and finally saw the doctor. The antibiotics didn't seem to kick in until last night, and now I feel like I can see the light. It's still in the distance, but its there! Amazingly enough, I haven't gained any weight yet, mostly due to my constant illness. It's like everything in my body was working against me. Do you want the long, t.m.i. story? Ok! It started with a cough, then throwing up for 10 days straight, followed by everything moving to clogging my head. So it was a constant cough, a continuous running nose, clogged sinuses, sore throat, ect. Then, to top it off, yesterday I had extreme you-know-what. I can't even type it. My body is purging, let's put it that way. I am sore like I've been super working out, and trust me, I haven't been. I finally slept all night last night, and woke up feeling much better, minus a killer headache.
But enough about my woes. I have my first ob/gyn appt. on Monday and can't wait. Hopefully little sticky is sticking away. Yes, I will come up with a better nickname. Sylvia was my little pinto bean. What's ironic is that I couldn't go near beans my entire pregnancy with her. Ha! A beanless vegetarian. It's unheard of!

Month 24

Dear Sylvia,
Yesterday you turned 2 years old. It is wild to think that 2 years ago today I was holding a 1 day old, now I almost crumble under your girth. At the doctor, you weighed in at 31 lbs, 35" tall. That is 1" shy of 3 feet. Astounding. At this rate, they predict, you will be 5'10 as an adult. You will be taller than daddy and me. But what do "they" know anyway. Also at the doctor, you told Dr. Whiteside "please don't hurt me." It was hilariously perfect in that moment. You've got the comedic timing down my friend.

We have both been despairingly sick this past week. You are on the upstroke, while I am falling apart every moment, waiting for death to overtake my soul. Pieces of my brain are flying out of my head as we speak, I have little voice left, and I slept 1.5 hours last night due to non-stop coughing/puking attacks. But this is about you , not me.

You had a blast at your birthday party yesterday, gleefully entertaining your 25 guests. You successfully blew out all of your candles and ate almost your entire piece of cake. I'm so proud of you. No tantrums were thrown and we successfully got a nap in afterwards. Success!

Your advancements come in simple observational moments daddy and I have of you. You speak so well, that we gage things on the way you are comprehending ideas, and it is amazing. Currently, you are telling the rain to 'go away, I mean geez, enough already.' Your so silly.

I'm scared of the year ahead, how you'll react, how I'll feel. We've had a good run, these 2 years. But you've been the center of my universe, and that will be changing. I need to let you know that no one could ever replace the huge chunk of my heart my first born has taken. It belongs to no one but you and I. No matter who enters or exits our lives, that piece has your name stamped throughout. I could never feel this way about another child, but I will be filling a new chunk of my heart for child no.2. Just as you will grow a place for your brother/sister, I will be doing the same. It will be a special relationship that we will both be adjusting to. This will be our ultimate job of this year. We'll all be in this together.

The challenges you are providing us lately are your sleeping habits. It is taking forever to get you down at night and completely sabotages daddy and me time. Which is probably the reason you are doing it. I'm more concerned with this issue than potty training before the next arrival. You can pee in a diaper as long as you need to, just please go to sleep on your own.

For year 2, I hope you can achieve patience, acceptance, and a willingness to give in. I dream you will continue to learn in the triumphant leaps you are doing now, and yet remember to still play like a child. I want you to enjoy the days that are now, because they are fleeting and too quick become memories. I want you to know that your mama can be totally hallmark cheesy when high off no sleep and on very weak drugs. It's just how it is.

Love, mama

The News

So I'm pregnant. If you weren't at Sylvia's bday party, you missed the announcement. Yes, I stole my 2 year old's moment in the spotlight for my own selfish needs. I'm 7 weeks, though the ticker is a day back. Who really cares when you've been spending your days puking and feeling like a loaf already? The exact days aren't that important in the end, as long as s/he keeps a growing!

So we've known for a few weeks now and we got an ultrasound yesterday. I'm grateful my ob respected my wishes to act a bit more hastily with this pregnancy, as opposed to the long waiting game we usually go through. I was able to get blood work done immediately to test my beta levels, and an ultrasound in the 6th week is pretty early. But alas, we say a little flickering heartbeat and feel much more relieved. I'm not naive, I know things can happen at any point. But I'm happy I'm not in limbo for the next 3 weeks, which is how long we normally are awaiting any news (yes, 8-9 weeks only to find out...empty sac).

We were going to wait to tell the news, but I suspect pregnancy brain caused me to forget that decision cuz I just blurted it out today at Mokabe's. Once it's out there, it's out! So here we go, again! This will be my 4th pregnancy, and hopefully 2nd baby. Fingers, toes, and flickering heartbeats crossed.

I also wanted to through in a funny story about the visit to get the ultrasound. It was yesterday, May 5. The young female tech who was about to perform the u/s walked us into the room and asked if we had any Cinco de Mayo plans. "Depends on how this u/s goes," was the quick response I had. It was so ridiculous, we all 3 started laughing. I then told her my prior history of empty sacs, just to make the situation less tense. I didn't want it to be so heavy, ya know? As we were leaving, she was all "I guess no margaritas tonite then!" I was happy that was the response. I hope we get her next time.

I know

My posts have been short, unwitty (which spellcheck does not accept, though I'm keeping it anyway), and few. I've been busy working (for money), working (mommy), and planning a 2 year olds bday party. Thank GOD I didn't spend much on gifts, cuz food for about 34 people costs enough! But alas, the look on her face when she eagerly talks about her party...priceless.
I better not get sued for that cuz they would like so be wasting their time.
I promise more later, if you even care.

What?

Conversation yesterday between Dave and I, and Dave and our neighbor:

Dave: "He says he has laptops, I want to go check them out."

Me: "Are you sure he said laptops? It didn't sound like that."

Dave: "Yes, laptops, I guess they may be hot."

Neighbor walks out.

Neighbor: "Hey, you wanna come check these out?"

Dave: "Yea. (To me) I'm going over there. I'll be quick."

Spends about 10 seconds with the neighbor and gets in our car.

Dave: "Man, he wasn't talking about laptops. He wanted to sell me lamb chops."

Me, laughing hysterically for the next 24 hours about Dave's major disappointment of the day.

Finally Friday

Apparently it is virtually impossible to have an intimate 2 year old's bday party. I tried to only invite those who I knew could probably make it, my stay-at-home friends and close family. Then my aunt Buzz (who works and lives 3 hours away) got pissed I didn't send her an invite. I guess my trying to not obligate everyone to send her a gift turned sour on me. As I'm doing final calculations for grocery list, there are like 30 people coming. Whew! But in spite of my "small" gathering going big, the weather forecast has shifted and now calls for clear, sunny skies at 72 degrees. Perfect! They were calling for rain showers all day, so anything is an improvement.

Syl has been sick for the past few days, running a low fever with a dry unproductive cough. Last night, after sleeping from 8-10:30, she awoke and couldn't get back to sleep till 1:30. Wow, it was rough. I've been having a hard time falling asleep lately, so I was super crabby. Then she woke up, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, at 7:15. Kids, they just don't understand how many years they take off our lives.

I'm so glad this week is over, it has been tiring, annoying, and sour. I'm working this weekend, which always manages to fill the "doing something with an immediate purpose" feeling in me.

We're off to the Science Center (yes, her fever is gone and she isn't coughing anymore). Though there are usually a handfull of snotty kids rubbing their hands on everything anyways.
Have a lovely weekend!