Let the Resloutions Commence!

Happy final moments of 2010 to all! I've been thinking about lists and what-nots all day, all week for that matter. The problem with blogging my lists is that I never go back and check my NYE resolution posts, and therefore never remember what I set off to accomplish. I need to print this year's list out and hang it above my bed to I may be reminded of all my doings. Or not, I've yet to write the list and decide.

This year's list is going to look a bit different. I want to write a list of goals and plans, not just a "what I'm giving up" type of list. I guess this is what I always do, but I'm feeling extra wordy today.

2011 Long List of Small Things

1) homeschool/unschool Sylvia (and kind of Easton too). Syl will be taking the rest of the semester of preschool off (to travel Europe-kidding!). We will see how this "teaching both kids at home" thing is going to work out, then make plans accordingly for next year. It's not going to be too crunchy, so don't worry. It's going to entail the same amount of exploring, traveling, relaxed times as we already do, but spoon in some daily lessons and weekly goals and ta-da! We are learning!

2) drop 17lbs. Ok, ok, this is a lofty goal. This is more than what'll get me to my pre-both babies weight. But hey, aren't goals supposed to be ambitious? Aren't we supposed to push ourselves to do things that we've always wanted but haven't yet achieved? I'm feeling the strongest I have in my life, but I can't seem to lose these pesky final pounds. The exercise won't change, just an adjustment of diet. Less carbs, more veggies. Ugh.

3) remember to stop, or let's be realistic, slow down.

4) take a camping trip with the family. This was on my list last year and never occurred. But this year? This is the year. I was a camping family growing up, but somehow lost my way after several trips to New Mexico resulted in the "let's just get a hotel room" mentality. I guess those long winter days in a tee pee really did me in.

5) get better at the business side pf photography. Let's face it: I suck at marketing. I feel very strong in my photography (though I know there is always ALWAYS room to grow creatively). But the upselling and the marketing and the business stuff is a definite SUCK in my book. So I need to ask for help, ask for knowledge, and expand my business in a smart way.

6) bring my camera with me more often. I have a rather expensive DSLR camera. Ok, it's totally expensive. So I leave it at home unless I'm doing business. Lately I've been bringing my back-up camera out (which is also expensive, just not as so). The difference between a point-and-shoot and a DSLR is amazing, and I miss beautiful moments all the time because I'm scared something might happen to it. Which frankly, with 2 young children, is probable.

7) take an outing once a week into the woods with the kids.

8) go on a late-night adventure twice a month with Syl. We did this a lot when Easton was a newborn to spend quality alone time. But in doing so, I got a rejuvenated love for this city. We would go sit on the cobblestone of the riverfront and throw sticks into the Mississippi, or take drives into Illinois and see the oil refinery lights. Sounds strange, but looking at these things through the eyes of a then 3 year old was inspiring.

9) write more prose.

10) travel travel travel. Near, far, alone, with friends, with the family. Just go.

And what about you, friends? Are there any events in your lives that you wish would come to fruition? Simple or life changing, writing it down can be cathartic, even if they never make it off the paper (or blog).

Here's to a new year!

The holidays

Oh my, thank goodness the holidays are officially done with. With our off schedules, over-stimulated children, loads of new junk to fill our house, and a plethora of bad-for-you foods, I am happy to move on with the new year. Oh crap, there's still that holiday. Well, at least there is alcohol involved with that day!! Hope your day was full of naps and smiling faces!

On the Eve of the Eve

me: "How much time do you think I have?"

him: "I don't know, 20, maybe 30 minutes. Sooner since it's overcast."

me: "Ok, I'm going. I'll take the dog, just to be safe."

I speed out the back down, and immediately the cold air hits me. I know I under dressed, but I resist the urge to go back inside. I need to just go, it's so good to be out.

I walk quickly to the park, I need to warm up. My belly is full from a late lunch/early dinner, but I'm too cold to walk slow. The dog is panting, the old man dog is having a hard time keeping up with my pace, but he is also excited to be out of the gates of our yard.

We pass a few stragglers, few people exercise in the bitterness of winter. We make it to the park, the sky is deeply overcast, snow is coming, and you can sense it in the skies. We walk fast, I want to go home, but we proceed to the empty park. The trees are blank bones of their summer self, their claws reaching up sadly, strong yet exposed. It is a drab surrounding in this beautiful place, I imagine it a few months ago, on fire with yellows and reds. It is the circle of the seasons, the trees aren't sad, they are just in-between. We are in-between. Stuck inside, pleading for warmth, waiting for something.

I need to hit my adrenaline wall, it usually takes about 15 minutes. I loathe the exercise till I hate that wall, then I feel amazing. I decide to jog, even though my body is resisting. I'm sore from class last night, but I need to move. I haven't stopped moving all day, but it was the movement of children and tasks, not the movement of purpose.

The day runs over me, I allow the thoughts to enter, then they roll away. The late wake-ups, the crabby 2 year old, the emergency visit to the ped for Sylvia's sudden (and first) inner ear infection, the vomiting she did in the parking lot from the pain of said infection, the running around getting her medicine, the crankiness of a family being paraded around while sick, the jury duty summons in the mail on the eve of the Eve, the floors that never got mopped, the 4 loads of laundry cycling through, the decisions of Syl's schooling, the dirt on my car, the need for an oil change, all of it. I let all of it go. It was a long short day, a day full of nothing and everything, a day that wasn't mine. I let it all go.

I'm walking again, but quickly and with definite purpose. I pass a jogger, he is cold too. I finally regain warmth in my body, the adrenaline is here. I cross back towards the west, and there it is! The blast of orange explosion right above the horizon, the ball of mass that has eluded us for days, the beacon of hope that there will be warmth again someday! The sun comes out right before heading away, and it was amazingly brilliant. I immedialtey feel satisfied, elated that I kept walking, and totally motivated to keep going. I have more than 30 minutes, and I'm so glad my husband was wrong.

The dog is tired now, the leash fully extended behind me. I don't wait for him, I speed on. I'm on the high of exercise and sunshine and joy and luck! I get excited for the future, immediate and further on. I'm not a religious person, but I feel blessed.

As I head home, darkness is approaching and I'm ok with returning to life, life at home as mom. But I tell myself 'this is it, this is what you need to do, remember this feeling, remember how important it is to be alone and you will be ok when you are not.'

I open the back door, the kids scream my name. Syl is already pink in color again, Easton is ramming his sweet little hear of curls into the couch, they are so happy I'm home.

me: "You were so wrong, I had over an hour."

him: "oh, yeah, I guess you're right."

The night waited for me, and sun shone for me, and air was my therapy. Don't wait for it to get warm, just go. Don't wait for things to happen, start it up yourself. Don't avoid the silence, embrace it. Don't believe what they say, find out for yourself.

And yet another post on school, sorry

Hello there friends! I know it's the holidays and everyone out there is totally stressed about the upcoming chaos that is December, but I'm going to switch to a completely off the subject but always on my mind rant. Because this is how my life works: when the shit is hitting the fan all around me, I choose calm and sidetracked. But when everyone has their shit together and no stressful events are coming up, that is when my life spins circular. So here we are, a mere few days from the craziest time of the year, and I have all my xmas eggs in a row. But other things? Yes, it's always the other things. So today, it's all about the rant. You have been warned.

If you are FB friends with me, you will remember the scare I had last month about Sylvia's school. No, it's not actually her school, but the fact that she is in school, full-time. You see, last year I panicked. I freaked about where she was going to go, how much it was going to cost us, how important it was for her to be somewhere that rainbows shoot out of every teacher's ass on a daily. I guess it was the thing for me to obsess about, and I like to obsess about things to the nth degree. Ask my husband. So we interviewed, discussed, toured, discussed, made & changed our minds, discussed, cried, debated, paid deposits, lost deposits, got accepted and rejected, discussed some more, and finally at the last minute got a spot at a nearby catholic school. Then school began, and as much as I was totally confident in our decision for this school, it was still school.

Sylvia loved it, for about a week, then put up mild protests for a bit, then accepted her fate that this is what was going to occur. Then November hit me like a ton of school books and I freaked. I sensed her complacency, her lack of motivation to go to school, the glazed look of habit to be at school, and the mediocre taste in her mouth for what she was learning. Now don't get me wrong, there are some days that she loves it. But many things are still a struggle: getting up, getting ready, eating breakfast quickly, rushing about to be on time, throwing her into her classroom and leaving her there, not seeing her for 7.5 hours, picking her up completely exhausted, bringing her home in an emotionally fragile state, walking on eggshells till she's refreshed from being home, eating early dinner so she can be ready for early bedtime, and going to sleep early enough to make up for not napping. She feels left out of our days, like she's missing events. And trust me, I tell her nothing of what Easton & I do because I know it would break her heart (but believe me, nothing we do is very exciting). I think most families go through these exact same struggles, but most families have no choice. Their kids must go to school so they can work.

Our family is different than most. Though Dave has an incredibly modest salary at a local non-profit mental health organization, we do fine. We don't travel much, we don't have the latest fashion trends, and we don't have outrageous debt. Starting my business was not only to boost our income, it was to support my drive to be artistic and creative. I could potentially be a stay at home mom for a while, if that's what we chose. And with Easton so small, it is what I have to do for at least a few more years.

And so lies my internal dilemma: pulling Sylvia out of school and homeschooling, or leaving her in and helping her adjust to her destiny. I've never considered myself a traditionalist. I started dying my hair, chopping up my thrifted clothes, and became a vegetarian at age 13, and was the definite black sheep of my family. I've given up on trying to fit into any one's mold of what they think I should be. Because I don't even know what I should be. But I know some things: I love my kids to death. I don't want them to be part of a machine that is the "norm" just because it's what they are supposed to. I don't want them to be forced into standardized tests that put them above or below a line. I don't want them to miss opportunities because it coincides with a school event. I don't want them to be too busy to learn, to tired to experience things, or too over-scheduled to go play in the park. I understand school is a reality, and playing all day is not, but since when did we stop allowing our kids to be kids? When did we decide that our kids have got to learn "these" things at "this" pace to pass "this" test?

If we decide to keep Sylvia home, many adjustments will have to be made in my life. I'll have to stop any assisting work that occurs during the week, I'll have to limit the photo shoots I do a month as to not overwhelm myself with work, I'll have to ask for help from those around me to fill in any gaps of my knowledge, I'll have to be dedicated and committed to doing it and doing it well. And though a decision has yet to be made, I get teary and excited whenever I dream of what our futures hold. We could travel, we could experience things in the world classroom, we could learn at our own pace, and my children could teach me things I've yet to learn.

And that, my friends, is life, right?

I know your opinions are as diverse as snowflakes. I'm not asking for help deciding if we should homeschool, for the decision is ours and ours alone. I'm merely stating this heavy elephant that has been hanging around on my chest for the past several months. And honestly, I don't htink there is a right choice or a right answer for us, or anyone. We will always wonder 'what if' and we have to be ok with that. We have to know that minds can change and nothing is permanent. Nothing, including childhood, is forever.

Thanks for listening.

11+11+11= My Age Today

(PS he weighs 27 lbs, proving it tough to balance on one hip while taking a photo!)

I am sooooooooo lucky to have one of those awesome 'right before Christmas' birthdays. As a child, my parents worked really hard to give my brother (also a mid-December bday) and I separate days to celebrate. The bday/Christmas combo didn't start happening until I was around 9, so I was far over Santa by then. And they still made sure on our exact birthdays, we got 1 big present, a cake with candles, and dinner on the "You Are Special Today" plate, it was highly coveted in our house. It wasn't until my 20's that the bitterness of having a December birthday started to bite me in the ass again. This time, it was my friends and co-workers giving me grief. It was always with the dramatic sighs and annoyed grumbles that everyone would great me with. "Oh, why did you have to be born in December" or "It is soooo annoying that your birthday is so close to Christmas" was the constant reminders that I had absolutely NOTHING to do with. And trust me, peeps, if I had a choice, my birthday would be in the spring.

But alas, it was beyond my control. I didn't pick the day I was born, and in fact, I was technically due on Christmas day. So lucky for me, I was an early bird. Regardless, as today is my 33rd bday, I have long accepted my doom as an annoying mid-December birthday girl. I have several comebacks for those who greet me with an annoyed sigh, and have low expectations for those that always forget that my day coincides with the biggest freaking holiday of the year. The thing about us Sag. bdays, we are a fierce & fiery ilk. We can handle the woes of folks because we are sassy, strong-willed, fiercely independent, and we forgive quickly. I roll my eyes at the naysayers, move on with my day, and make my own plans for my birthday. I believe that if you want something to happen for yourself, you have to be the one to initiate. Cuz guess what? If you sit around waiting for someone to do things for you, it won't happen. Ever.

Here's to me, 33! I anticipate a year of busy-ness, topped with chaos, and sprinkled with a dash of unpredictability. What else can you expect from me?!

Summing Easton Up

I can't believe it, but my little baby boy is 2 today. It's actually just about 2 years to the T that he was born, and our family of 3 grew to 4. He is full of spark and glee, and dabbles in the fake crying and dramatics. He runs head first into couches and people, using his sweet curly hair as a battering ram. He is sleeping again at night, but he is always the first one up in the morning. He eats on demand, just as he nursed, and has zero interest in the bog boy potty or bed. Fine by me, a crib is like a jail anyhow (he has yet to discover the escape plan). I don't know official stats till next week, but he's about 27 lbs. He is in the same size clothes as he was 6 months ago, but his pants are getting shorter. His hair is a curly fro, just as sister's was at this age. He loves trains, cars, construction equipment, holiday lights, cookies, running, and snacking. He hates winter coats, going to sleep alone, and eating meals with his family. We don't go out to eat much anymore, because our little man climbs out of his highchair and runs around places, charming the hell out of old people and pissing off the youthful servers. He is still quite the snuggler, but when he's done, he's ready to bolt from your arms. He is talking more, though much is still incoherent. His first sentence was 'daddy's at work.'

We had a small get together at our house today for his party. My mom had brought my nephews down, so I set up some lights in front of our tree to attempt to get some good grandchildren and sibling portraits. The kids weren't thrilled with the idea, especially the 2 younger ones (Easton and Alec), but these are going to be holiday gifts for the grandparents. The above photo is the best of my 2 kids, cus they are absolute poobutts when it comes to obeying their mommy photographer. But it's perfectly reflective of the age they are both at: Syl at 4.5, full of silly dramatics and theatrical timing, Easton at 2 providing attitude and dissidents to all authority. In fact, he is going into time-out as I write for hitting his sister. Sheesh, I'm tired.

I love the guy, and can't imagine life without him. Though if I were to, I can imagine it may be calmer, easier, a bit quiter, but a heck of a lot more boring. These past 2 years have been a blur of chaos, non-sleeping, and patience-trying grief, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. Happy 2nd bday buddy!!!

Toffee

Making homemade english toffee while the nearly 2 year old sleeps. Ahhhhh.

Santa! Take 2

Two posts in one nap must be some sort of record around here. But Easton is just now waking, bouncing happily in his crib, so this will be brief. Syl was coughing all through the night, so I decided to keep her home today. We took the opportunity to meet SANTA! out at the Galleria. This SANTA! is sort of iconic for us, he's extremely accurate and very old, and we've sat our children on his lap from the beginning (that kinda sounds weird. but yet I still don't delete). As we approached the golden fortress of SANTA!, my children were filled with pure glee. They were running around like mini-maniacs, seeking out his holiness and loving the 500 foot Christmas tree (only slight exaggeration). We sat and had our coffee (ok, just me) and then HE arrived. Of course, we had to add an element of chaos to the mix and meet our friend Cara. Her girls are a lively bunch and Syl was thrilled to see them. Anyway, Easton had a better time from a distance, but sat on his lap for the formal photo. My crappy scanner is broke, so I can't show you the official one, but here are the outtakes.

These girls are totally up to no good. But really, they look like they're talking fashion.

No, Thank You!

Well hello there, stranger(s)! Life as we knew it around here has been a head-spinning bout of crazy! But the light at the end of the tunnel (i.e., the new year) is shining in the distance. I love being busy, I love all the families that have allowed me into their homes and lives these past few months. I have been busier than predicted, met some unforseeable challenges, and somehow maintained to keep both children alive without breaking anything! Hurray for life! But really, my head is still aswirl, and I could not be any more grateful to all those who believe in what I'm doing.

I can't wait for what the next year brings, I have lots in store for myself, with high expectations and lofty goals. Like, a studio space! And putting an end to assisting! And more weddings! And lots and lots of portraits! I've changed my website around lately, trying to do what suits me and the needs of my clients (and potential clients). Though my session fees are a tad higher, they now come with a beautiful hard covered proof book (the books are 5x7 but the images end up being a bit larger than 4x6). This has been well received and I'm so excited about them. There's just something about holding pictures in your hands and not staring at them in front of computer screens that makes the entire process more intimate.

Thus far, I have few sessions booked for January. I plan on spending the next 2 months marketing for spring, building my portfolio (I have 2 homebirths lined up to document), and organize my life (haha!). Maybe I'll be back here more with less buisness jarb and more hilarity of mothering. Because yes, I do still have two children. And though I L>O>V>E> holding all your precious newborns, I like to give them back. So no, don't even go there about any prospects of numero 3.

Thank you thank you thank you for being so supportive of my newest endeavor. I can't believe how much an online community can provide for someone, but it's true. Through all my blogs, my site, and now fac.eb.ook, you people rock. Even if you don't leave comments here, I know who you are and I am thankful for you.

Marybeth

Marybeth was glowing in her 39th week of pregnancy. Yes, this is a bit late to photograph a pregnant belly. Most suggest doing the shoot somewhere between the 32nd and 36th week. This is commonly the time when women feel their most energetic, not too big and uncomfortable, but all belly and glowy. But in Marybeth's case, she looked absolutely divine almost due with her third daughter. It's amazing to see bellies this far along, having previous babies, and zero stretch marks. I guess it rings true that all bodies are different, and there is no normal. More here.

Owen A.

If you think his toes are cute, come over here and check more of Owen out. PS he is pure cuteness, so it's totally worth it.

Emmett & Theo

Amidst trying to sell their old house and moving into their new abode, this family had a 2 week early surprise= baby Theo! He is so sweet, so accommodating for all our artistic endeavors, so laid back. I love this family's style, so it was easy to find spots all over there awesome South City house to use for Theo's newborn session. More here.